The Christmas Dinner Challenge: Live

Happy Christmas everyone! I hope Santa's been kind to you all! (However, if you've woken up to a lump of coal, you need to think long and hard about what you did this year. Santa doesn't mess about).

I'm still in bed, but according to the list of cooking times I wrote yesterday, the doom starts at 9.30am. Just enough time for breakfast and presents.

09:05 Breakfast is cooking, Meat 1 (Porky) is in his tray, ready to go.

10:10 Ah, we don't have enough chairs. Porky is cooking, time to start on Meat 2 (Lamby).

11:17 Yes I know what cocking gas mark it's on, I put it there. Now fuck off out of my kitchen.

11:23 I've broken all my nails. Can't allow myself to turn to the booze just yet. Coffee and swearing.

11:30 Shopping the Selfridges online sale. Fuck the food.

12:10 There's no room in the oven for Meat 3 (Beefy). Riiiight.

12:48 Mum hasn't cleaned the bathroom. It was her only job. Bitchfit.

13:54 It all just got a bit mental. Lamb out, potatoes in, pork looks wicked. Beef still sitting on the windowsill. Feck.

14:30 ARGH

15:17 They're sitting and eating. No-one's dead yet. Dog has her eyes on everything, she's going to snap any second.

16:04 Everyone's eaten. Was fabulous, but no crackling - I can't seem to get it to do anything but go brown and fatty? Secretly feeding the dog lamb in the kitchen because she's got a fabulous jumper on:

The Christmas Dinner Challenge: Update

It's Christmas Eve. In my fridge, three different meat joints are jostling for space with heaps of vegetables, Tesco's entire cheese stock, and lots of old, rotting food that I haven't thrown out yet (am clearly domestic goddess).

I AM NOT PREPARED. The tree only went up on Wednesday night, I still have presents to wrap, and I'm pretty sure someone important is going to be without a present on Christmas Day and I'll be forced to wrap up a box of at-home hair dye. My boyfriend came over at 2.30am today on the way home from a gig to pick up one of his presents that hadn't been delivered when we did the Great Gift Swap (because I'd ordered it very late, despite having it bookmarked on my browser for about 2 months), and I haven't written a single list. I'm usually all about the lists.

So as you can see, tomorrow is full of comedy potential. I'll have forgotten a vital ingredient (I'm betting on potatoes), will have a bitch fit at every single member of my family, cry, drop something important, and burn/cut/otherwise maim myself/others. Obviously, you won't want to miss that, so I'm going to live blog it for you! Hurrah! Expect lots of swearing and CAPITAL LETTERS indicating disaster.

Tonight, however, I will be making a sodding quiche. Yes I know it's not Christmassy, and it's a god damn pain in the ass, but Mama Sween asked ever so nicely, and threw in the puppy dog eyes for good measure. Add to that the 'Oh, well if you don't want to, don't worry about it' guilt trip comment (I heard: 'You're a fucking awful daughter, this is the one thing I've asked you to do and you won't do it. After everything I've done for you?! I'm going to die one day and this will haunt you. Bitch.') , and she had her way. But first, there will be mulled wine. I find it makes everything better, even pastry-making.

Y'all have a fabulous Christmas Eve. See you bright and early for food and swearing!

The Christmas Dinner Challenge

 

Flickr image from didbygraham's photostream

In my family, we all take it in turns to host Christmas. This is mainly because none of us have a suitable Christmas house (you know, like Nigella's) - we're all equally poor, living in equally teeny flats in Central and West London, and none of us have the luxury of a dining room/garden/anywhere to put children and old people. So no-one ever wants to host the bloody thing (Baby Jesus would be proud). This year, we lost.

Over breakfast with my mum on the weekend, I was told (not asked) that I'd be cooking Christmas lunch. For 10 people and a Yorkshire Terrier.

So this is where I need your help. Please tell me what to feed them.

Now before I go on, there's something else I need to tell you about my family and Christmas - we've never had turkey for Christmas dinner. Is that awful? I think it may be a Filipino thing, they have no time for giant, dry birds.

Pretty much anything else goes though, and vegetablists aren't allowed in our family, so all meat-tastic ideas welcome. And anything that can be prepared the day before so I don't have to get up at the crack of dawn would be just fabulous. I will of course be combing my favourite food blogs over the next week, but if there are any you think I ought to know about, please share!

Alternatively, if you'd like to volunteer to come over and cook for 10 Filipinos and a Yorkshire Terrier on Christmas Day, you can have my first born.